Breaking News: Egypt loses internet; unexplained break in Egyptian sex drought.

According to major media outlets, Egyptian authorities shut down all but one of the internet service providers in the troubled country. The so-called “kill switch” was activated late Thursday night. The lock down is the latest strike by Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak, attempting to retain control against revolutionaries and protesters, largely aided in their organisation by social media.

The internet has become an increasingly powerful tool in modern social interaction – recent studies place sites like Facebook and Twitter as having a dominant share of net-traffic following after the adult industry’s 97%. Locals have expressed outrage at the inability to ‘like’ the revolution and give Mubarak a ‘thumbs down’ on YouTube. As one outraged citizen wrote in a letter to our offices:

“This is the latest attempt to break our spirits, but we will always find a way! #FedEx”

One spokesperson from a Cairo college remarked, “The president is a monster, a violator of human rights. This last attack is no surprise. Time was, I could see any girl on the street and go home and Google her naked – now I have to ask her to see that.” When questioned about his success rate her went on to say it was as “big as [his] junk” and went on to high-five a classmate and crush a beer can on his head.

How the outage and the protests will affect the Egyptian people longterm remains to be seen, but as Mohammad al-Baradei, former member of the International Atomic Energy Agency observed, “The presidency of Egypt is falling apart and the people will fall apart unless Mubarak leaves today”. He proceeded to de-friend Mubarak and ‘like’ the Fuck Mubarak page and another titled, ‘Getting hurt by the one you love most.. so you can get stronger’.

Tut King reporting, the last working computer in Egypt.

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